How Much is Too Much?
Many in the gay community still equate sexual promiscuity with gay liberation in general. Irresponsible nonsense.
Within the gay community, sexual addiction (or sexual compulsivity) runs rampant. The reasons are obvious given the history of our ostracization by society. Nevertheless, we need to face it as the serious problem that it is.
Fortunately, in places like NYC, one the most active self-help groups within the gay community is Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA). I'd say it is the most popular group at the NYC Gay Center. Why? Because sexual addiction warps and distorts the addict, like any other addiction, in order to feed itself. Many gay men, when given the chance and all the information, realize they need help freeing themselves from obsessive internet porn, chat rooms, bookstores, serial one night stands, etc.
Are you sexually compulsive? See SCA's The Twenty Questions Test or The Fourteen Characteristics.
Unfortunately, most gay communities are completely ignorant of the nature of sexual addiction and pass it off as only afflicting others. Too bad. Sexual addiction likely robs the addict of healthy views of sexuality and intimacy. Often sex addicts are unable to maintain long-term relationships.
Gay people are not from Mars and so we are vulnerable to the same excesses as all others on this planet. Sexual addiction is the vice of many who otherwise lead sober lives. Yet given the chemical reactions exploding in the brain during sex, it is merely swapping one drug for another.
Sex is healthy and should be enjoyed. Sex can be fun and freeing. But like anything else, it has negative consequences when taken to extremes. When sex is rendered a meaningless transaction only about pleasure, it pretty much becomes another form of recreational drug use. And there begins the possible descent into unbalanced addictive compulsive sexual behavior which can lead to dangerous and self-destructive places.
What's worse is that many gay men get caught up in several addictions at once. Certainly, addictions to crystal meth and sex go hand in hand. It is destroying too many otherwise productive lives.
The good news is that help is possible and available.
I think this is difficult territory. Sex is compulsive by design of nature and evolution. The species compels itself through and into sexual activity for reproductive necessity. Hard wired to be sexual. Addiction language is jusgemental and rigid. One can substitute religion for the sexuality in this theory, or shopping, or working, and would you make the same judgement?
Hi Lee,
The answer to your question is yes. I would make the same judgement about shopping or religion or work if they were being used excessively. Repeatedly eating to excess will lead to negative consequences, yes? Why not sex?
Why is it difficult for you to make the connection that having sex excessively also leads to negative consequences? Eating for pleasure and having sex for pleasure are natural and good but moderation is the key, wouldn't you agree? Each of us has our limit beyond which a normally natural act becomes an addictive one.
I can't tell you what your limit is. That is for you to discover or set for yourself. But the characteristics of people who have ventured past their limit in regards to sex seem to follow a pattern, thus we have The Fourteen Characteristics of people whose sexual habits have become imbalanced.
There's nothing sex negative about what I'm saying. Just as saying that eating to excess can lead to negative consequences isn't food negative. I am excess negative though to be sure. I am also unwilling to spin the consequences of excessive behaviour so that they seem less important or less... consequential.
One is free to choose to have as much sex as one likes. Yeah sex! But let's not fool ourselves into believing that there will never be consequences for that choice. There are some people whose most passionate endeavour in life is finding and maintaining a steady supply of anonymous sex. While some of them may be perfectly happy and consciously choose that as their life's work, I feel confident that there are others who are less than satisfied with that dynamic.
And of course, this all applies equally as well to heterosexuals, men and women.